MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE

The Reverend Dr. Lillian Daniel

October 4, 2009

First Congregational Church, Glen Ellyn, Illinois, UCC

www.firstconge.org

630-469-3096

Introduction to the Scripture:

Some Pharisees came, and to test him they asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” He answered them, “What did Moses command you?” They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of dismissal and to divorce her.” But Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote this commandment for you. But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Then in the house the disciples asked him again about this matter. He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”
People were bringing little children to him in order that he might touch them; and the disciples spoke sternly to them. But when Jesus saw this, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the little children come to me; do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it.” And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, and blessed them.

Scripture: Mark 10:2-16

Some Pharisees came, and to test him they asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” He answered them, “What did Moses command you?” They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of dismissal and to divorce her.” But Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote this commandment for you. But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Then in the house the disciples asked him again about this matter. He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

People were bringing little children to him in order that he might touch them; and the disciples spoke sternly to them. But when Jesus saw this, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the little children come to me; do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it.” And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, and blessed them.

Sermon:

In today’s gospel reading, we get two stories within the one reading you just heard. Let’s begin with the second one, because it is easier. People are bringing their children to Jesus and the disciples shoo them away. But Jesus gets angry at the disciples and says, “Let the little children come to me; do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it.” And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, and blessed them.

That’s a beautiful story. In fact it has inspired a great deal of art work, images of Jesus surrounded by small children. In fact, if you turn around and look at the stained glass window at the back of the sanctuary you can see that very image, Jesus surrounded by little ones, all of them dressed in Dutch clogs and sailor suits (as was the custom in first century Palestine).

Actually, at that time in history, children were not seen as the ones who knew how to inherit the kingdom of God. The adults were the ones in charge in every way. When one studies the history of the day, you learn that the infant mortality rate was so high that one historian noted that many parents did not allow themselves to deeply bond with their children until they were around six, since so many little children were lost to disease or the accidental deaths associated with poverty. So for Jesus to say, “Let the little children come to me,” was a way of saying, everyone is precious, everyone’s life has meaning to me and to God. In fact, you could learn from these little children.”

It was so remarkable, so counter cultural, that they recorded it in the gospel and read the story today. But to us it does not seem remarkable, since we don’t push our children away. Around here, we make them the center of our lives and our communities. We worship them, and youth in general. Today we hear this story, and we think, of course Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me.” Who wouldn’t say that? But back then it was a very big deal. History makes a difference in reading these holy texts.

What lead into that story about the children? It is the passage in which Jesus tells the Pharisees what he thought about divorce.

The Pharisees were a sect of Jews with whom Jesus was very familiar. They were intellectually rigorous, they cared deeply about rituals and the rules of faith. They took their Judaism seriously, which was brave since their land was occupied by the Roman Empire, who had a very different religion. And these Pharisees are often Jesus’ dialogue partners in the gospels, the ones who, if you were a Jewish person hearing these stories around the time Jesus lived, or shortly after, well, the Pharisees’ questions might have been your questions, and you get to see how Jesus responded.

History matters here as well. The early followers of Jesus were Jewish as was Jesus himself. Nobody thought they were establishing a religion that would be called Christianity – the name that would only make sense after Jesus’ death by crucifixion. These were Jewish people debating among themselves what to make of the new Jewish teacher named Jesus.

So the Pharisees ask Jesus what he thinks about divorce, but listen to how they ask the question, as you think about what was going on culturally and socially at that time. “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”

Notice, they don’t say is it OK for a woman to divorce her husband, because clearly that was not an option. Divorce was a one-way transaction, something a man did or did not do, and to that Jesus responds, “Well, what did Moses command you?”

Jesus asks that question because they are all trying to fulfill the commandments of the Jews before them, going back to heroes such as Moses. So, in response to that question from Jesus, essentially asking them “You know… what are the rules?” the Pharisees say something that may have surprised you hearing this today. Because today, we tend to think of divorce as a modern phenomenon, something that began relatively recently in this country; but if you go back two thousand years, to Jesus’ day, or back over ten thousand years, to Moses’ day, you discover that they have more in common with us that you might expect. Back then, as today, it was relatively easy to get a divorce – at least for men.

The Pharisees say what everyone around them knew. “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of dismissal and to divorce her.”

There is passage in the Old Testament book of Deuteronomy that does, indeed, allow a man to divorce his wife under a variety of circumstances. The passage stipulates that a man can divorce his wife if, “she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her” (Deuteronomy 24:1). Just what might constitute an “indecency” was not specified and, so, led to much speculation and debate. The sacred Jewish text known as the Mishnah, records the debates of the rabbis over the centuries. One portion, from the time of Jesus, includes one rabbi arguing that the “indecency” that constituted grounds for divorce could include a wife burning her husband’s dinner. Another rabbi of the time argued that it was enough if a husband found “another fairer” than his wife. That is, during Jesus’ day the standards for divorce had become quite lenient in some quarters. Now we see, that back then it was actually much easier to get a divorce than it is today. All you had to do, if you were a man, that is, was write a certificate saying “We’re divorced,” and your obligation to your wife was over.

Now, there were reasons that were more acceptable and common than others for doing that, adultery, for example. But there wasn’t a court of law to protect the rights of one party over another’s, to find out the truth. Let’s go back to adultery. Not only was it a justification for divorce, some people believed it was an excuse to stone a woman to death. So divorce might be the better option for a woman so accused, whether it was true or not; but divorce was not uncommon.

In America, when reading the Bible, we mistakenly think of divorce as something modern, that didn’t happen as often in the past, but that’s only true if you look at our own recent history, and it certainly wasn’t an equal playing field for men and women. Before the late 20th century, women had few economic opportunities, men in the marriage controlled most of the economic resources and custody was often granted, especially before the mid-19th century, exclusively to the father. In such a world, liberalizing divorce laws were key in the women’s rights struggle.

While many criticize the US for having divorce laws that make it too easy to get a divorce, I would argue first, the reason many of our laws were reformed was to protect the rights of women. Second, that divorce is never easy, no matter what the laws may be. As one who walks alongside those who are on that painful journey, it makes me angry when people say, “It’s too easy to get a divorce.” I have yet to see the divorce that looked easy.

Our Bible story says, “in the house” the disciples asked him again about this matter. This is good for Bible study, whenever it says in the gospel of Mark, “in the house,” that’s sort of code language for the real followers of Jesus with no audience of doubters, questioners, Pharisees, etc. Back in the house, “just us family,” Jesus said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

This was a remarkable statement in many ways. First, notice that Jesus is the first one who mentions women being able to get divorced. By the way, that rarely happened; but Jesus puts the two options, men and women, both having the choice to do the same thing. He goes on to say they shouldn’t do it, but just the fact that he treats men and women the same would have been mind boggling. You mean to say, the same rules apply to both of us? That was unheard of.

I remember that when Lou and I were doing our pre-marital counseling to prepare for our wedding, we worked with a local minister. In our first session, she sat us down and said, “You realize, of course, that the entire Christian wedding ceremony is built on the Jewish one which is built on the premise that the woman is actually the property of the man. At least this ceremony marks the first time women were elevated above sheep and cattle.” She went on to lay out some of the history I have told you today, adding all the complex dowry and financial customs that put women just a little higher in status than goats and cattle, and ended up with innocuous vestiges like the father walking his daughter down the aisle and literally “giving her away,” as property the last symbolic act of a financial transaction between families.

“All that’s very interesting,” I said, “but I’m still having my dad walk me down the aisle – and no, Lou, you are not getting a dowry.”

Now in an interesting twist that I still seek to make sense of today, in my own personal journey, that minister who was conducting our premarital counseling was in the middle of a divorce herself. She and her husband had been co-pastors of the church we attended, and on Maundy Thursday, in a remarkable lapse of good judgment, her husband had stood up in the pulpit and said, “Instead of reading my prepared sermon, I am going to read you a letter from my wife.” He went on to the read a personal “Dear John” letter that indicated she was leaving him, that she was going to an undisclosed location for a couple of weeks, and no, she would not be back to co-officiate at Easter. The congregation, of which we were a part, was devastated. People wept after his words, partly in compassion for what they were going through, but also with the tears that wrack a community when a relationship is broken. And of course, Lou and I thought, “The minister who is preparing us for marriage just dumped her husband and is MIA for holy week.” When she returned, we were amazed that she just picked up our counseling where she left off, and we were too shell shocked to do anything but continue. Add to this the fact that our whole congregation had totally idealized this couple’s relationship, so not only were we dealing with the fact of their separation, but added bombshell that they were human. But the point here is that the actions of this couple had ripple effects throughout the whole community, for this was not, and never is, a private matter between two people.

For Jesus was right. Legal or not, divorce is never a good thing. Moses may have said you can do it. The laws in America may make it increasingly possible to do. But none of that means you should choose it lightly. A divorce is a domino that ruptures one set of relationships and then another, as children find their lives turned inside out, communities of friends suddenly find themselves divided and the separating couple find themselves in a world of pain. This is not to be taken lightly, Jesus says. This matters. It is more profound than the piece of paper that tells you it is OK, more life shattering than the rules that make it possible.

Is Jesus in favor of divorce? Absolutely not. Am I in favor of divorce? Absolutely not. Are divorced people in favor of divorce? Absolutely not. They, more than anyone, will tell you this is not something you seek, take lightly or desire. Nobody is in favor of divorce.

There is an American cultural story we tell about divorce that flies in the face of this truth, and it goes like this. Divorce is something manageable, something that in our modern and enlightened culture we have learned to do better. We no longer treat our wives as property, our legal system is more humane toward women than once it was, you don’t have to drag one another through the muck and mud of accusations and dirty laundry in order to get a no-fault divorce. Furthermore, you no longer have to separate children from one parent. They get to have both, in creative arrangements of shuttling between homes that make divorce today a different ball game, one that can be played with less chance of injury.

While all that is true, as a complete story, I don’t buy it. I think it’s still enormously painful, something to be avoided at all costs, until it is left as the only option, and then to be entered into with the same solemnity with which the initial marriage vows were uttered – because divorce, like marriage, is the beginning of a whole new life.

Jesus tells the disciples that when it comes to those quick divorces that Moses allowed for, it is “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote this commandment for you.” The commandment is not there in order to say it is OK to do it, the commandment is there because God expects you to fail at this, because we are not unfailingly generous and forgiving creatures, but creatures who can have hard hearts, and who do not have an infinite capacity to love.

It’s hard to hear these words from Jesus about divorce because we have come to understand Jesus as loving, as accepting us as we are, as welcoming us wherever we are on life’s journey, no matter what. All that is true, I believe it’s the heart of the gospel, that God really does love us no matter what.

It’s also true that part of being in relationship with Jesus, and part of being in relationship with anyone, for that matter, is having moments where you do not like listening to what they have to say. Here, it’s hard to not have Jesus echo the American cultural “Brady Bunch” divorce, that has become the easy and domesticated version of life. Instead, Jesus gives voice to the pain – and that’s a story that needs to be told, too.

As a pastor, I hear about these things sometimes as they are unfolding, and I pray and speak with the couples; but do you talk to each other about your marriages? The messy stuff, while it is going on, while other people might be able to encourage you, to commiserate to say I’ve been there, too. Or do we play-act the perfect marriage until we announce that it’s over? We need to stop waiting to tell each other about the pain of our marriages until after they end.

When a bride and groom get married, the whole congregation is present to the joy. We need to be present to the pain as well, to have a culture in which we can all admit how hard this work is, rather than casting judgment on divorced people on the one hand, or denying that it’s any big deal on the other. The story of divorce is a complicated one, but you know what, so is the story of marriage.

These are important stories that should never told out of judgment or self righteousness. The story of the pain of divorce is not a story that married people get to lecture to divorced people. It’s not a story that should be used as a weapon or as a tool of judgment. Every divorce has its own story, and looking in from the outside, we do not know it.

There are stories of divorce that were not chosen, because when one person in the couple sees the end, and the other does not, the game is shifted toward the end of the marriage. There are the divorces that look from the outside as though one person is to blame, when the reality may be very different. And there are other hard and painful stories. Some of them about marriages that do not end in divorce but are just as heartbreaking, and life-disrupting, but these are secret, quiet stories of marital pain that may never see the light of day, and therefore receive no one’s quick analysis or judgment.

The story of the pain of divorce is just that – a way to tell the truth about something that is hard and wrenching – but never a weapon with which to chastise those whose lives are mysteries to us.

It’s not the only story. I want you to remember what story went along with this. It’s the story of the little children, who Jesus welcomed to his side when others sent them away. Always, the instinct of Jesus, the living man, even when he makes a hard statement, is toward inclusion. He’s always pulling people together, past their judgments of one another, with a promise of new life.

That’s what I want to end with today: the promise of the gospel that everyone can have new life. After my own parents’ divorce, I was left wondering as an adult, if I was somehow damaged goods when it came to being married myself. In fact when my husband proposed, one of my first thoughts was “I’m not sure I am going to be good at this.” But God has moved in my life, and I’ve actually come to wonder if having been through that prepared me in some way to be a little better at it than I would have been.

God moved in my parents’ life, to not allow that divorce to be the last word. They went on to relationships that worked in better ways, and I gained family members I would not trade for all the world. We all learned, just as we are all always learning, as the God of new life keeps working on us.

Divorce, like death, in the Christian world, is never the last word. In other words, as we like to say around here: never place a period where God has placed a comma.